music+passion=love

Recently I found out I was pregnant.. September 2, 2014 was the day I held those two tests up, trying to let the reality of the positive lines set in. I was terrified and excited at the same time. would I really be a mom now? I did not want to get excited over nothing so I set up a blood test at the doctor and of course, it came back positive. In my mind all I could think was, is this really happening? After all this time, all these dreams, am I really going to be a mom? Fear began to settle in and I became afraid. What If I am not ready for this? Then again, who really is? I couldn't wait to tell my boyfriend. He was pretty excited himself. I am not thirteen weeks today and it has still slowly settled in. It still feels so unreal to me. I am going to be a mommy. I cannot wait!

walking through the darkness

am I alone now?

wanted to be left at a distance,

but still I didn't wanna be left behind

who are you, this girl staring straight at the mirror 

trying so hard to find, find what's deep inside

pulling the evil, secrets, to the surface

when they come undone will you still be present in my time of want

I need this, I need happiness

and now where are you?

will you hold my hand or leave me far behind

bitterness sweeps away the dusted particles of pain

love you?

maybe?

I'll see you somewhere where the light blinds me 

I hear you sleeping right next to me, sounds so peaceful, 

are you dreaming? can you sleep knowing everything you've done?

can you awaken in the morning, arising new with the beautiful sun?

you seem so happy, so alive and well. 

do you ever wonder where you will be?

in this life or another? dreams? reality?

do you think what it would be like 

if you could escape somewhere safe

I will run into your open arms 

hoping you will be there.

but for now, you are here

anyways, dreaming is what it seems.

while you're asleep, do you dream of me?

Here I am again, here in this quiet moment. I haven't gotten the time to have one of these moments in a while. having a hard time breathing right now. this is hard. feeling like I can't go anywhere, do anything, without my physical issues going on. It gets so frustrating dealing with it all. this makes life so difficult to live at times. the physical pain is hard to ignore once it doesnt wanna go away. I struggle everyday begging to not have to deal with this. it isn't easy to explain to people so I typically do not say anything at all. I am here, longing to be healed, to be able to sleep again, breathe again, anything normally. 

so very recently my grandfather passed away. when I arrived at the hospital he was already gone and I did not even get to say goodbye. everyone was crying, eyes all red, noses all snotty, and hugging everyone. I myself remained blank. I had no words to say, I had no tears to shed, I could not feel for one of the first times in a long time. I was sad because I did not get the chance to say goodbye and I have thought so much about it from then to now. would it have been any easier or harder if I could've said goobye? when I feel different? I look up to the sky now and think to myself, is he up there? did he get the chance to move on to a better place or not? is he thinking of us and how happy we will be when we arrive to a better place too? is he rejoicing with God in heaven right now? I truly hate not knowing. I wish I had valid proof that he is rejoicing. that he is happy where he is. how was his heart? I guess I will never know, but when I look to the sky, I can still feel the warmth in my soul. that feeling that God does exist and that he truly loves me more than I will ever know. even when doubt sinks in, somehow I always feel him with me, in my being, going to every depth of where I am before I even get there. goodbyes are hard, but for a strange reason, I am ok with goodbye. 

Everything has something to do  with Time. I have learned...Time is a priceless gift that we recieve and can also give. Time is something we can never get back once it is gone. TIme can help heal deep wounds and let us forget some of the bad. Time can help us go back to our fond memories and remember the good. Time restores. Time creates endless love, joy, and laughter. Time is on our side if we allow it and time can be our worst enemy. Time is efficient and important. time helps us gain wisdom we once did not know. time allows us to learn and grow. Time relieves pain and gives us a chance at life. never waste it, never take it for granted. it is the most precious thing we can ever be given. 

so many days I just want to give up. I get so frustrated with life's discouraging situatuins. from rebellious hair, to angry and selfish people, I just wanna curse it all. I say screw it! but God has encouraged me from today and every day when I wake up, everytime I am faced with something or someone, I must bless it/them. when people hate, I must love. when people curse, I must bless. God did not put us on this already cursed earth to keep cursing it, but to love and bless it. maybe then, all the places of darkenss will shine. maybe then all the people that we choose to love instead of hate wil be forever changed just by our decisions alone. everyone is watching to see if people will really stand by what they say everyday. live. love. laugh. cry. sing. for one day we will fall and die and wither away in our earthly bodies and when we are all dead and gone no one will decide our lives fate except for the creator and ourselves. 

with distance one watches 

closely watches to see the sign 

any sign of emotion or feeling

any abandonment of tortured soul.

forever is waiting with open arms

you fight the urge to join them.

with courage you'll last a while

they're not ready to take you.

heart pumps, blood flows so smooth, 

soul is aching, heart racing, 

dashing towards the finish line.

my time is not up, but it very well borowed,

for one day we shall all render to the future, possibly tomorrow. 

don't stay and make me wait, while I long to remain true. 

lies will deteriorate my every existence, eat your weary mind.

love has now blossomed and left me far behind.

I am a woman.

I have curves, I have flaws.

I am perfect in every aspect,

no one will bring me down.

I love who I am, I am comfortable in my own skin.

it's taken quite a while, a remarkable journey,

to grow into who I wanted to be.

I am still learning, I am still aging,

and oh no matter the day, my beauty outnumbers any imperfections.

this is me, you get what you see; no makeup, no plastic,

no Botox, no needles, no lypo, no injections.

someone loves me, just the way I am,

my curves, my weight, my face, my natural shape.

he has fallen for my internal beauty, he has loved me for me;

he sees who I am, and he has chosen not to go back.

I have no secrets, no hidden motives, no guilt of my past.

it doesn't matter what happened yesterday, today, or tomorrow.

we've learned to overcome obstacles both lovingly and together.

so this is me, all women, all natural, and a rare beauty

A bend in the road makes one ponder,

Which way to go,

Stay here and remain safe in number

Or step out into the unknown,

Destined to be taken down and torn apart.

This is where we risk it all.

Take one step and you’ll soon learn to fall.

It’s time we wondered where we could venture

Seasons come and storms blow over

Bodies become old and colder

Our hearts have hardened with such apathy.

Where do we go from now?

How do we begin to make something of our lives.

Lonesome and broken, we yearn to find that one thing,

That one thing that makes us all whole.

Searching so desperately in an empty world filled with

Hate, crime, war, love, hope, and dreams.

can we fill the void? can we become one?

can we hope for the hopeless?

can we dare love again.