music+passion=love

I look to find the sunset 

as I lie gently in your arms

forever hasn't been spoken

but we both secretly hope it will.

praying out of desperation,

I long to know the feeling again.

distance and seperation 

are much harder to push away.

the mind is such a fragile place,

for all my thoughts, my hidden secrets,

how much longer can I keep them.

soft spoken and quiet,

I'm no longer who I used to be.

after all that was taken,

I'm ok with who I want to be.

I love myself now, I accept the things I cannot change,

allow the good to exceed the bad,

I learned from my past, in hopes of a better future.

swallow, shallow

oh sweet summer sky.

melting in the dissaray 

of a broken starless night.

my heart, beating to catch up,

to the pace of your racing soul.

I can feel you, although I can 

no longer feel emotion,

I can feel love somehow.

longing to shed my skin,

let tears fall, and allow 

myself to see this shadow 

that follows. 

skeletons from my closet,

come creeping out, one by one,

but I must lock them away,

after I face all of them and I am done.

I closed the past, no longer will I go back.

thoughts overflow from my soul

my brain warning overload

but at the same time

I remain happy.

feeling such a peace when I'm with you

death, time, and guilt are erased

they seem to dissipate in your presence

how? why me?

does anyone else feel

as deeply as I do?

can anyone hear what

parts from my lips to the world?

someone must know this feeling

someone is willing to share

where are you?

are you out there?

Momma

We met not too long ago

And with the time we’ve known each other

I felt I have bonded well with you

For as long as we’ve spend time together.

Although time will tell all,

I pray we grow closer,

For you have taken me in

And treated me like a daughter.

I am so grateful for you and your son,

Thankful I have been given the chance

To love you both.

Thank you for your kindness

For such a sweet and loving soul.

I thank God for you each and every day

Hoping we will have many more

Years, moments, and days.

Happy mother’s day

To a very awesome momma

I love you very much & so glad

I can celebrate this special day with you, mother.

I haven't written in quite some time

my soul hasn't felt the rays of the sun.

darkness crept in, filling within,

seeping through the daylight, 

trying to steal my sunlight.

keeping me from believing

there's so much more to life

than just moving along

my story will not stop

my life refuses to stay still 

as the world still turns 

my head spins 

my heart still beats

and here I am

again and again I do this

one more try 

another chance to change

I have become still

I need to move, move again

cast all fears inside

I have gathered all thoughts

gotten them ready to burn

sketch the pattern of my memories

they all seem to have a specific 

repeating design

who am I?

emptiness filled me no more

and so I am still broken

lacking everything I need

you can't fix me

you cannot create 

what is so torn, so messed up,

emotions are running wild

carrying their guilt into the night

hoping for just a moment they will dissipate

into the darkness,

but instead, they're brought forth,

into the light.

why do we feel so different

why is it all opposite

creating nothing but confusion and sorrow

oh pitiful me 

why shall I not pick up my head

and try again

this pain 

it eats inside

these tears, 

sting my eyes,

but this time I will

not cry

wow! I feel so dumb and ignorant sometimes. haha. after a crazy day of letting some sadness and anger out, I came home. I started watching "Facing the Giants" with my dad and tha part where the coach blinfolds one of his football players caught my attention. The coach was trying to tell the team they were going to beat one of the hardest teams in the region. Brock doesn't believe they can beat the team they are going to play against so the coach has him and another teammate get up to do the Death Crawl..before he sends the boys on their mission, the coach blindfolds Brock. Brock asks the coach why he blindfolds him and he said because he doesn't want him to give up when he knows how much further he can go. he asks him to give him his very best and Brock agrees to.. when Brock cannot see anything, all he can hear is the coach's voice right there telling him he can do it.. just ten more steps..just two more.. then before Brock knew it, he made it even further than he had planned to in the beginning.. God spoke to me in that very moment.. God spoke to my heart and said that in life I am going to feel defeated, let down, and that I cannot get past what's blocking me and I let things hinder my heart and my life. I become so upset about what I cannot control and I want to give up. there's been so many times I cannot see what is going on or the light in the darkness I am walking in, but God says to trust him. he blinfolded me so that I do not give up. He knows what is best and knows that if he shows me what kind of obstacles I am about to face or will continue to, then I will give up before I make it to the exact place he needs me at.. Although it hurts and I cannot see when it will all be over or what else I have to overcome, God does. he is the light, he is my way. He has asked me to not use my eyes or worry about what's to come, what I am facing, but to just GO!! just listen to his voice that is guiding me along the way.. I cannot see anything, all I can do is hear him pushing me. he is leading me to the exact place I need to go! 

silence. silence speaks volumes and we do not even realize it until we become silent and listen. with all the chaos of hopes, dreams, families, love, desire, school, work, activities, and everything else life throw in, we become lost in a huge array of noise and we lose complete focus on the most important things. with all this noise, how are we supposed to hear the voice of God? how can we know he is working? how can be sure we are doing his will, doing what his heart longs for us to do? we must focus. sometimes, we just have to STOP and BE SILENT! a lot of things can happen when one goes silent. in the quiet, God can reveal to us many things, secret things. most times, in the quiet, we can block out all the craziness around us and focus , really focus on what we should be doing in our lives! think about it...what are the important things in your life...now think if they were all taken from you in just two seconds. what would you do then? would you still rely on God? would you still know that he is who he says he is and that he is still the creator of this world, of your beating heart? if not, we should stand back and just observe, just be silent. we should ask God to allow us to rely completely on him. to know he is the most important part of our lives. so important, he should be the exact center. 

this entire week has been something else for me.. for a short moment, I started slipping back into a trance, a trip to a very chronic case of depression...the other day my mother finally said.. "snap out of it Kristi! this is not good for you.." she went on to say I needed to figure something out to get out of this trance I was slipping into rather quickly.. little did I know, this was only the beginning of a beautiful awakening!! I left my house and went to clear my head. I caught up with an old friend, worked on music with another, and just enjoyed the rest of my night with another close friend.. in all this time, that phrase my mother told me before leaving replayed in my head all night.. the beautiful things my friend shared with me earlier that evening had shaken my spirit and awakened me.. that is when I realize I cannot go on living like this anymore. I will NOT be a victim to depression and the worldy lies. my spirit will not drown again. God took me on a short adventure and started speaking life into my soul..someone special in my life is going through this same trance...I asked God what to do and to give me wisdom to help him.. God spoke so quietly but I could hear his voice so solemnly. it is not my battle. I have said I would be here, I have encouraged, I have spoken life into his heart, and I have been my best to be patient and just give him his moment.. I felt so empty, and have asked God to refill me constantly so I can fill others with his overwhelming joy, hope, love, and peace. God spoke and said to put my life and his in his hands. to remain in deep prayer for him and to allow the spirit to do what is needed. I realized to do all these things, I needed to get my life in check. now! not tomorrow. not next week, not in a few hours! now!! for the spirit to freely move through me and into others and for others to see that in me, I have to "snap out of the trance I have been in". I have been sleeping far too long. I need to awaken my heart and get back to the very purpose of why I am here and how to live my life.. when I do this, God will overflow in my soul, permeate every part of who I am, and it will fill others just from seeing me shine with God's love and life! I must trust that God will get him through this hard time and feeling of emptiness. I have to do my part. I have to keep speaking life into his soul, into his heart. I must watch everything I do and say, so that the spirit may move accordingly and act quickly on this person's behalf. God, thank you for opening my blinded eyes and hardened heart. is it time for a wake up call. and I am ready to fight this battle of the mind here and now! give me the strength and the courage to fight the good fight and to keep moving even when I feel like I am losing! you will help me, you will win! you will conquer, you will destroy all feelings of unworthiness and not being good enough. you will restore, heal, and bring happiness back to his broken heart. oh God, I already thank you for all that you are doing! I  will praise you in the storm until the sun shines again. I will put my faith in that which I cannot see at all, I will be still and peaceful, for I know, you ARE GOD!!!!!! 

I look in the mirror

seeing too many choices

hearing too many voices of reason

logic is no longer the challenge of the game

something longing deep down

to numb itself 

from feeling

from knowing

from seeing 

everything before her

to lay aside all thoughts wrestling in the mind

fighting to decide

struggling to breathe

harder, harder

drowning

further