music+passion=love

so very recently my grandfather passed away. when I arrived at the hospital he was already gone and I did not even get to say goodbye. everyone was crying, eyes all red, noses all snotty, and hugging everyone. I myself remained blank. I had no words to say, I had no tears to shed, I could not feel for one of the first times in a long time. I was sad because I did not get the chance to say goodbye and I have thought so much about it from then to now. would it have been any easier or harder if I could've said goobye? when I feel different? I look up to the sky now and think to myself, is he up there? did he get the chance to move on to a better place or not? is he thinking of us and how happy we will be when we arrive to a better place too? is he rejoicing with God in heaven right now? I truly hate not knowing. I wish I had valid proof that he is rejoicing. that he is happy where he is. how was his heart? I guess I will never know, but when I look to the sky, I can still feel the warmth in my soul. that feeling that God does exist and that he truly loves me more than I will ever know. even when doubt sinks in, somehow I always feel him with me, in my being, going to every depth of where I am before I even get there. goodbyes are hard, but for a strange reason, I am ok with goodbye.